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Everybody probably experiences the opposite of hope at different points in their lives. We have those moments, sometimes even long stretches, where we cannot seem to locate optimism. We might try to find comforting ideas or theology to help explain our suffering. We search through books for the right phrase to put it all into perspective. We look everywhere for answers, and they seem further and further away.
I was at a community group once where the topic of conversation was faith. Several people talked about how they've learned to simply believe that God is in control, and that their lives are easier as a result. One person said that if we learn to trust God this way, we will always find things to be thankful for, and then realize how blessed we are.
"Christians should be happy. When we're unhappy it is because we just aren't trusting God enough."
At this point, I felt extremely ungodly and ashamed. I yearn for simplicity. But, my life gets more and more complicated everyday. I've been trying to trust God amidst it all, trying to find a box big enough to contain my mess. I've been failing and losing consistently.
I had been told that being around me "is exhausting" and that I am "hard to love".
So, I sat in this roomful of people sharing about the happy, faith-filled life. I sat with my head down, sinking deeper into the couch cushions. My thoughts swirled. Don't I trust you God? Haven't I been earnestly seeking you each day, begging You to strengthen my weakness? Why aren't I happy?
There was a long minute of unintentional silence, and then someone spoke. His words spoke healing to my shame.
"I don't know. I'm sure many of you experience that. But, for me, I go through each day with a constant nagging that things are not right. The world seems to be unravelling into chaos before me. There is a sadness in my heart that just never seems to go away."
That was heavy. It certainly isn't "fun". But, when he admitted that my heart was lifted. I wasn't the only one who has missed this Peter Pan flight.
Yesterday, I read something else about hope. It is defined as "something we don't already have". That is the nature of hope. I used to describe myself as hopeless because I couldn't put my finger on the evidence. That is exactly the opposite of hope.
What I am realizing is that amidst my struggles, I have hope that God will someday bring clarity.
In spite of my sadness, I have hope that God will one day wipe away all my tears.
I have hope that my wife will be completely healed someday, and in that hope we do not give up or quit enduring seasons of great pain and frustration.
I have hope that children will one day never be hungry or neglected,, and in that hope I do not give up teaching in cities that expose me to heart-wrenching profiles of poverty.
I have hope that mental illness will be destroyed completely. But, until then, I walk alongside those who suffer.
I am not hopeless. But, I am not happy. Hope prevents me from just weeping and weeping without an end. Being hopeful does not mean skipping along with a whistle. It doesn't mean that there isn't a care in the world.
I don't have simple answers to life's problems. I just don't. It is not that I don't trust God. I just don't understand everything that God does. I hope to know more someday. I'm waiting with a firm hope that God will rescue me. Meanwhile, I am not oblivious to my surroundings. I am not thankful for disease, pain, or death. I'm not! Jesus promised to end all of these, and so I am not going to find anyway to get along with them.
I'll close with another view of "hope". It is from Romans 8.
"All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it’s not only around us; it’s within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We’re also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy. Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. "
