7 Years of Bad Luck

As of today, my wife and I have now been married for seven years. There is a superstition that if someone breaks a mirror, that person will have a consequence of seven years of bad luck.

Seven years ago, I broke a mirror.

Before I met Jessy, I had worked very hard at establishing a good reputation. Guilt was my primary motivation. I was well aware of my many mistakes, and wanted to prove to the world my repentance. This fueled working all kinds of jobs for all kinds of hours. Nearly 15 years after my high school graduation, I finally completed a college degree. I got married, to reinforce my version of normal. I was just about to accessorize that American Dream by buying a house in the suburbs, to go along with the wife.

I remember listening to the ideas of Emile Durkheim at that time. Sociology was supposed to be just a minor for my Education program, but it easily became my obsession. Those courses forced me to honestly investigate why I behaved the way I did, and how unaware I was of what was really influencing my life. I remember the week when I saw a reflection of myself in a mirror. I saw that my definition of success looked horribly ugly in that mirror. I experienced "anomie" as Durkheim spoke to me. I couldn't live it anymore. I broke the mirror.

There has never been a darker season for me. I moved back into my parent's home. I got divorced. People had good reasons to hate me. I had even better reasons.

I read somewhere that the superstition of broken mirrors also offered an escape from the curse:

Fortunately, there are also a number of rituals which are said to counteract the very bad hair day created when you break a mirror. Since the pieces of the mirror can still reflect the corrupted soul, the entire mirror should be ground into dust. No reflection, no problem. It is also suggested that after you break a mirror, you should invest in a shovel and bury the pieces under a tree during a full moon. African slaves working in America believed the bad luck could be washed away by placing the pieces in a river flowing in a southerly direction.

When Jessy and I first met, we realized we were both being pulled out of our own versions of anomie. The "southerly direction" of that curse-breaking river was pulling on our souls. So, we both ground up our broken mirrors into dust. And, on a full moon, just like tonight will be, we began a new dream. We buried those ugly reflections into the southerly currents of the river. Then, we started living.

Our marriage has been blessed, not cursed. It's neither lucky or unlucky. It is blessed.

For the past seven years, we've been able to walk together in valleys of shadows, tightly holding hands, both following our Shepherd. Jesus has been most faithful to lead us beside still waters at times. And, at  others, He has reminded us repeatedly that unfamiliarity can actually be the safest ground to walk on.

Our broken mirrors did not end in bad luck for us. Instead, they shattered an illusion. We were able to see that a miracle awaited us. That, instead of a reflection of guilt, a reflection of grace began.

"We all, with unveiled faces, are looking as in a mirror at the glory of the Lord and are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory; this is from the Lord who is the Spirit." (2Corinthians 3:18, Bible)

"So, where do you go to church now?"

Ok, I'm quite sure some of my forthcoming thoughts may cause me some muddy waters. But, please remember that this blog is called "Brackish" for that very reason. It is a place where I am sorting through things, just kind of aloud.

I've been getting asked a question a lot lately: "Where do you go to church now?"

I totally get why so many people are asking me this. They probably were asked by me to "go to church" with me several (or many) times over the years. Or, they'd notice that my conversations almost always included some talk about "church".  Not to mention that I spent a big chunk of my life training for and then serving in different kinds of "church" roles.

And then, about 6 months ago, that all changed.

Some people who really only knew me within "church" walls or at "church" events kind of feel like I've gone missing. I'm gone. Not part of the scene, so not part of their lives anymore. If they come across me somewhere else besides "church", all they say is "So, where do you go to church now?"

Others, who may have more of a personal relationship with me, are just a bit confused at what seems like a dramatic change. They wonder if I somehow lost a thing that I seemed so passionate about. They ask me, out of sincere concern and love.

I know no matter how honestly I answer this question, I'm not going to make sense. Of course, my whole life is a shade of grey, with very little black and white! For that reason, I don't mind dragging my feet through some mud to spill out my inner thoughts. It helps me to see all this stuff spilled out all over the place.

When I look back over the past 40 years that I've been either following Jesus or being chased by Jesus, I see some landmarks. I see some definite moments where I knew I was not on the same vibe as "church".  Please forgive me as I try to concisely organize them:

• That morning, as a teenager,  when I woke up remembering every vivid detail of a dream. Jesus spoke to me as if He knew me personally, and as if He felt there was a way I could also know Him likewise.
• That confession, to the Catholic priest, which was required of me in order to receive the sacrament of confirmation. Somehow I knew, no matter what he said, that I was not forgiven of the sins I'd done. I just knew somehow that he had nothing to offer me, but that somehow I could discover a direct path to grace. And, then, that night, a few years later when I wept so uncontrollably because Jesus rescued me. He rescued me Himself!
• All those strangers, who at different times and different places, have spoken words to me as if they were intimate friends. Strangers, who claimed to have heard God suggest ways they could share His love with me, who then showed that evidence to me. 
• Those moments, when I risked embarrassment or humiliation by following what I felt was God's leading to interact with a stranger or friend. Those moments! Those many moments that surprised me how real and alive God is!
• The days and nights of sadness, when a "church" leader would call me "divisive", "rebellious", or whatever adjective that conveyed the idea that I did not belong anymore. When a "church" leader would point out the many flaws I have, highlighting my lack of conformity as a sort of treason against an establishment.
• That night, just last summer, when a friend and I shared these kinds of landmarks with each other. I asked him, "What would happen if someone just stopped playing the game?" We both agreed that it might be the only solution, but both of us kept on playing along as if we could just ignore that haunting realization.
• Those strangers again, who have been surfacing in my sea of confusion. I meet them in unlikely places, and in unexpected ways. But they have also been swimming in the same seas. We are forming friendships. We are helping one another find a shoreline.

My answer to the question "Where do you go to church now?" is not possible for me to answer. "Church" isn't a place to go, a building to fill, or a club to join. Many of my friends would absolutely agree with that statement. Most Christians believe that God is everywhere at every-time, and even dwells mysteriously inside of a transformed life. Just about every Christian I know realizes that this is a central idea and difference of their faith. That God now lives inside His people, working through His people to impact this present world is kind of a basic ingredient to Christianity. That Jesus transforms people regardless of their own efforts, regardless of their own competency, regardless of their own righteousness or perceived righteousness......well, these are the basics, right?

To me, from where I see things, "church" has not lived up to these sorts of basics in my lifetime. It creates a division between "ordinary" people and "ordained" people. It segregates God's family into various denominations, sects, expressions, tribes, or whatever term best disguises the reality of creating "us" and "them". It asks people to conform to the ideas of one or a few men, all the while telling them that they are indwelt and empowered by the most creative power in existence. 

"Church",  from my experience, has never been much different than any other institution. Maybe the biggest difference has been how quickly a person experiences isolation and exclusion. 

I'm going to stop abruptly here and refute the idea that I have abandoned God's beloved bride.

My passion and love for the Church has actually never been as strong! I've stepped out of something that has become something else. 

I'm beginning to see a way more convincing way. It might be a "better way". I'm not so sure of that. But, I do know that millions of Jesus-loving, Holy Spirit-filled, Gospel-centered, etc, etc, etc people simply made it simple. No favoritism. God gifts His people in so many diverse ways, but "churches" instead pay professionals to give performances to audiences. 

I just got way too bored. Sure, it was way easier. Way less complicated. Way less invasive. Way more controlled and easier to prepare for. I totally get it. 

For those of you reading this who want to bounce Bible verses around, I'm not really interested tonight. I've spent the past 30 years or so reading so many assorted perspectives on what "church" is or should look like. You can do the same if you wish. I am trying to follow through on my convictions, as best as they have been forged through many challenges and rewards. 

I'll also try my best to share in more detail what I'm experiencing now. It really doesn't matter to anyone else that much, because God wants to specifically reveal His plan for you to YOU. But, like I shared before, sometimes you meet a stranger whose journey is almost identical. Those are interesting stories to swap.

Finally, I treasure the relationships I've gained and will still gain among those precious people in institutional "churches". Those people are what is essential for the Body of Christ to function, and I will never stop getting together with them. I wish for as many opportunities to love one another, encourage one another, build one another up, teach one another, and so on. Did you know that there are tens and tens of "one another" commands in the New Testament? That's CHURCH.  Somehow that got all mixed up, and the creative diversity God gives gets smothered out. 

I really want to have dialogue about these thoughts. Like, really, really!!  Engage me, please! :) 

Come over for dinner.(bring dinner) 

Grab a coffee in the morning with me. (let me drink a few sips before we dive in) 

Be the church with me. (we can go anywhere)

Well, this was somewhat therapeutic for me. Peace!