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So, yeah, here I am four decades into my earthly life.
I can't say that it feels like much of a big deal. It's a workday, and nothing is really getting put on hold. My wife and kids sang the birthday jingle with me tonight, and then we quickly transitioned to me wrestling with an alligator. ( trying to detangle my toddler daughter's hair in the bathtub ) If it doesn't involve balloons, toys, or screams, a birthday simply doesn't make sense to my kids. Rather than shake up the kids' routines that are barely routine, I asked that we avoid any fanfare.
But, there are some thoughts swirling in my head that are not routine. Turning 40 has prompted me to look back wonderfully grateful, and look forward with wonder. Some things seem to be converging, and I want to write these down.
1) At 40, I feel like I am getting closer to being comfortable with my own particular identity. I've made enough mistakes at this point, that I have actually learned some things, even though the hard way. I'm getting to the place where I can confidently lead a discussion among my peers, without haunting insecurities causing me to ruminate over every word I share.
2) At 40, I feel like I am actually just beginning to live. It doesn't look "downhill from here" for me. There is a perspective of elevation though, because I can look downward on my past. I can see way down when my childhood searched for reasons why my dad abandoned me. I can see down below when stealing and cheating were acceptable means for my teenage desires. I can see down to failed relationships, job changes, confusion, and disillusionment. But, I also see hope vibrating off all those memories. I can see God's providence and faithfulness holding my chaos in order. And, more clearly than ever before, I can see a path heading upwards. The pinnacle remains ahead.
3) At 40, it is easier to narrow down lists of possibilities. While I am still open to spontaneous adventures, I just know what I am more likely to thrive in. I'm not adverse to risks. Quite the opposite! Now, at 40, the battles I choose to fight are the ones I know I'm equipped for. There is still zeal, but not zeal without knowledge.
4) At 40, I wonder what will surprise me next. Honestly, I feel like I've already had an eventful life. It's been rich, maybe because there have been so many highs and lows. If my life is a story, or some kind of grand narrative, then I wonder what further twists the plot could possibly take. Is there still rising action? Is there any greater "denouement"?
5) At 40, there is humility. At 20, I was placed in leadership positions I had no business being in. I confidently spoke into situations, while being completely ignorant of my ignorance. Now, I embrace mystery. I love saying "I don't know." I've learned to facilitate, rather than lead. More than that, I have absolute clarity that my journey is a summation of countless influences. Nothing I do or say comes from my own willpower. At 40, I realize that pride is just stupid. So, for those reading, and for those not, I give you my appreciation. Some of you have, in the best of words, "persevered" in our relationship. Kind of like those "for better or worse" things. But, to all, thanks. I love you. If I don't love you, then please believe that I am earnestly trying to figure out how to do so.
Peace!
