Part Two : "Expectations"

Family reunions seem to be synonymous with family drama, at least for me. Not always the kind of drama that you see on TV shows like Cops, but the kind that usually results in frustrated social media posts or a strong desire for a drink. It is all tied into our expectations. We all expect family to be especially loving, accepting, and supportive. We expect family to ask us questions about the things that matter, or to overlook our shortcomings and past mistakes as they immediately embrace whatever our lives are revolving around at the present moment. We expect family to be way better than other humans.

So, we get disappointment invariably.

Sometimes, it is a bit more complicated. Like, the reality that I haven't seen my dad in years. That, when I was nearly 3 years old, he went on a completely different path, leaving me out of it. There were a few phone calls growing up. I would hear an unfamiliar voice telling me he loved me and that he promised to come see me soon. That voice would tell me elaborate promises of going to Disneyworld or other adventures, kinds that children imagine. But, by the time I approached my teenage years, I learned to stop believing.

Fast forward some decades later, and my dad and I do have some concrete memories together. Those are not pleasant. Drugs and alcohol took him to places we both regret. Although the experiences were different, the theme stayed the same. I would have a horrible visit with him, and then swear I'd never see him again. Then, I'd hope for change, and start stubbornly dreaming of a healthy relationship. A year or two would go by, and then we'd start the cycle again.

It came to an impasse a few Christmas's ago. The grace of God humbled me to see how unforgiving I'd been towards my dad. How I blamed him for everything, and refused to see him just as broken and confused by this world as I was. A pastor was preaching verse by verse through the Book of Romans, and one Sunday morning I could not stop weeping through the entire service. I think we were in the second chapter, talking about how all of us are just as sinful as anyone else. I kept seeing an image of Jesus saying, "Forgive them, for they know not why they do it." I kept seeing Jesus forgive me of the mess I made with my life. And, for the first time, I saw my dad as my equal. I stopped expecting him to be better than me, to somehow have all the answers to life's questions. That is what the love of God does to us. It levels us.

Of course, I was very anxious to share this revelation with my dad. It had been at least three years since we last saw each other. It always takes me some investigative work to find an address or phone number for him, but I began the process. I found out that my grandmother had died, and the obituary had some leads for me to locate him. I left some messages with an uncle who had contact with him, and waited. I am used to waiting. And I began dreaming again of restoration and happily ever afters.

My dad called me on Christmas. I ran outside as soon as I saw the phone number from New York, excited to begin this miracle.

It went somewhat like I imagined. I told him how sorry I was for expecting so much from him over the years. I explained how Jesus showed me both of our need for a Savior, and how I had needed to forgive him as a result of the undeserved grace that I received. Not that I simply needed to forgive, but that I truly wanted to. I shared with my dad how I would stop holding it over his head that he had never been there for me. I told him I just wanted us to move forward.

I didn't imagine his response, or see it coming at all. He said that he, in fact, had already moved on. His current family situation was enough for him. My dad told me then that he didn't have room for me or want to be part of any future together. His words were blunt and heavier than the weight of my unforgiveness towards him. There couldn't have been any clearer an explanation of rejection.

This is the most complicated kind of love. Uncertain love.

This is why the way Jesus loves me twists me inside out. It is an easy love. I've never had to do anything to earn it. It is an everlasting, unfailing love. It never changes. Jesus has shown me many times how foolish I've thought about His love. I've let shame keep me from approaching Him. I've wrongly concluded that God might not have room for me in His plans; that my life is too much a burden to Him to bother Him with.

One time, Jesus was teaching people about this idea:

“You fathers—if your children ask for a fish, do you give them a snake instead? Or if they ask for an egg, do you give them a scorpion? Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him.”
(Luke 11:13)

I know exactly what He means here. I don't stop loving my kids, even when they are acting crazy. It delights me to see them delighted. If I feel this way towards them, how much more does God feel towards me. I love Him because I know I am secure in His love.

I can't expect too much from Jesus. That is why I love Him. What a difference! No disappointments. Complete satisfaction. I love Jesus because He loves me completely. All of me. It is certain.

The last thing I am thinking about today is that I am certain about His love because of what Jesus already demonstrated when He came to Earth. People often say that God loves everybody "unconditionally". We toss around that term "unconditional" way too carelessly. It actually makes his love way too small. I think the author David Powlison explains this best:

God does not accept me just as I am;
He loves me despite how I am;
He loves me just as Jesus is;
He loves me enough to devote my life to renewing me in the image of Jesus.
This love is much, much, much better than unconditional! Perhaps we could call it “contraconditional” love.
Contrary to the conditions for knowing God’s blessing, He has blessed me because His Son fulfilled the conditions.
Contrary to my due, He loves me.
And now I can begin to change, not to earn love but because of love.
. . . You need something better than unconditional love.
You need the crown of thorns.
You need the touch of life to the dead son of the widow of Nain.
You need the promise to the repentant thief.
You need to know, “I will never leave you or forsake you.”
You need forgiveness.
You need a Vinedresser, a Shepherd, a Father, a Savior.
You need to become like the one who loves you.
You need the better love of Jesus.

 -from the book God's Love: Better Than Unconditional