Why do I feel so lazy? Heart Therapy #9

   

 Just about at the part when Princess Leia took off her disguise, and was about to thaw out Han Solo, I woke up. Han Solo was somehow alive in a carbonite kind of mold. How does that work? How long was he propped up as a trophy for Jabba the Hutt? Could he hear the funky music being played by the craziest of alien creatures?

     Those are the kinds of questions that come out of unexpected naps. I didn't mean to sleep, especially since my two kids were capable of destroying the house. But, thankfully, they were both beside me still, eyes sucked into the events on planet Tatooine. They were so content, just lying there on the futon snuggling with us. All their needs were being met: we had fed them, clothed them, kept them safe, and were spending quality time with them.

     But, I felt like I was lazy, unproductive, and irresponsible. While I should have been delighted to have that semblance of peace and quiet, instead my mind spun with things that I supposedly should be doing. Lists began to run up and down and all around inside me. Curled into me was Elena, with not a care in her one-year old world. My world of "to do's" were attempting to smother hers.

     What did Jesus mean when He said He'd give us rest? That question interrupted my trains of lists.

     I'm prone to feel better about myself after I've worked hard on something. That probably resonates with many. Along with that mentality is the opposite side, usually having a sort of guilt when I am not contributing to something.

     The grace of God has this double-edge to it that both comforts me and also offends me. Knowing that I am accepted and loved, in spite of everything I know about myself,  is incredible. I spend most of my life meditating on this. Sneaking in between though, are my assumptions of cause and effect.  Aren't my good efforts worthy of reward? I'd like to think that my hard work and dedication kind of makes Father God a little extra proud of me, and maybe share a tiny bit more blessings. I sometimes get motivated to do, do, do because I want to "give back" or show God that I am not an ungrateful child.

     Here's what God says about this:

      "For it is by free grace (God's unmerited favor) that you are saved (delivered from judgment and made partakers of Christ's salvation) through [your] faith. And this [salvation] is not of yourselves [of your own doing, it came not through your own striving], but it is the gift of God;  Not because of works [not the fulfillment of the Law's demands], lest any man should boast. [It is not the result of what anyone can possibly do, so no one can pride himself in it or take glory to himself.]- Ephesians 2:8-9 {Amplified}

     That hurts my pride. It really does. It is back to being leveled again, like I mentioned in an earlier post. As much as I'd love to convince the world, and myself,  how much I believe in equality, I secretly feel better than others. I must feel that, otherwise I'd never expect any favoritism from God. I can't expect God to ever treat me differently unless I somehow think I deserve better treatment. So grace is offensive in that regard. God freely shares His kingdom with any and every who believe. It eliminates any possibility of pride. The fact that it is "free" clearly reveals that there isn't any special way we can earn it. It is free. Just like that. Free.

     By the time Luke Skywalker was getting a feel for being a Jedi, my mind was calming down. In fact, we went on to watch a fourth Star Wars film that day. I confronted my personal Darth Vader trying to wreck my day of rest with the family. That's corny, but it seems to fit. There is a rest available, free, and without any strings attached. Of course I don't live on the futon bed every day! But, on those rare occasions when I recharge, I am going to give God all the glory for offending my pride.